Forced posting - First time I've heard about the Finns, Finland, Finnish

I didn't want to write anything. There's nothing to talk about that anyone would bother reading. But Finnish Girl thinks there is some mysterious, invisible audience out there hooked to our two blogs, waiting with bated breath for the latest writings. So at the urging of Finnish Girl, here is another nonsensical post about something you will read and maybe remember while sitting on the toilet one day. I'm talking to you, that person in Great Britain, Germany, France, Italy, and Japan who accidentally clicked on my blog and had the misfortune of being logged as a viewer last week.

Finnish Girl sometimes asked me in the past - when was the first time you've heard about Finland? What do people know about Finland in America?

I remember answering politely in the beginning, oh yes, Finland. That's where Helsinki is. Nokia.

But the sad truth is that most Americans never heard of Finland, don't know where it is on the map, don't know what Finns look like, nor what language they speak. If you asked them where is Nokia from, they will probably say Japan or China. They could be sitting in a sauna playing Angry Birds on their smartphone and be blissfully ignorant of anything remotely Finnish in their lives.

So maybe I should have said, "They basically don't know shit about you" and that could have been the end of story.

Easy, but not really true. If I think back a little more, there were times it popped up here and there in random conversations.

Once in college, I was with some friends back at the dorm and we heard Finnish spoken (in a YouTube video? in a news cast?). And somebody remarked, "What a strange sounding language." The Korean of the group drunkenly blurted out, "it sounds like Korean! Finns are basically Koreans" and further claimed the entire country as his own brethren. (The same Korean person was in the habit of also claiming Mongolians and Turks and Kazakhs as "Koreans" as well, although that wasn't too far fetched considering the rather all inclusive "Turkic-Altaic" branch of that language family.)

Determined to prove him wrong, I did some quick internet research on the origins of Finns. A whole lot of contradictory stuff came back, from early Western European racialists classifying Finns as part of "Mongols", to more recent studies challenging all those early classifications, and finally to the other end of the spectrum by current white supremacists heralding Finns as the "last bastion" of blondes. This was back in the day before Wikipedia, when you actually had to read the fucking essays of other academics rather than getting the three sentence summary with the footnote. Being the nerd that I was, I actually read one thing after the other, regardless of veracity. Sort that out later.

From my amateur reading of it, it seemed like everybody was right and wrong. The drunken Korean may have stretched (a bit) claiming Finland as part of a long lost tribe of the Koryo kingdom, but there were some weird Asian origin and migration admixture into modern Finns. The Finno-Ugric language family does include a motley crew of transplants coming from Central Asia (Hungarians) and Siberian peoples in Russia. Have you seen Mansi folks lately? Their language is related to Finnish. Try looking up Ruslan Provodnikov. Besides looking like a fucking maniac with blood coming out of his gums, he has that Eurasian quality to him that you often hear Scandinavians attribute to Finns.

But I think this "Asian" quality is exaggerated. Of course a lot of that came from early racial theories about why Eastern Europeans and non-Germanic speaking folks were different and hence inferior. Nowadays, nobody would blatantly say that as much. But it's still there, especially when you read Swedish literature. They always have this Finnish caricature that gets annoying repetitive too. I can't count the times they describe Finns as have those severe Asian cheekbones, exotic inscrutable look, overly pale blank looks of the East. I have had a Norwegian say to me once, that Finns are so pale the light passes through them. There are some who have that look, but honestly you can't tell the majority of Swedes and Finns apart by looking at them, to the shock and horror of both groups alike. Take it from an outsider.

Why? I've never seen so many blondes in one place. I'm not blonde and I stick out like a sore thumb in Finland.

Which gets back to the problem of the rest of the world not knowing too much about Finland. I joked with Finnish Girl, just tell all the Mediterraneans, North and South Americans there is a hidden land of blondes tucked away between Sweden and Russia. Suddenly there will be hordes of lusty men with hard-ons trying to visit the country. Probably not the type of fame you want though.

Finland is the most dangerous country in the world

I come from the mean streets of New York City, but let me tell ya, Finland is the most dangerous place of them all.

The epicenter of danger is a small, unnamed town in Ostrobothnia. Don't let this small town of just a few thousand people fool you. Dangers lurk everywhere. I had foolishly let my guard down, calmed by the sight of all the quiet grandmas walking around the old town, or the schoolgirls riding bicycles on the sidewalks.

I was strolling with the Finnish girl to go to a supermarket. She had deceptively led me towards a dark tunnel underpass below the highway. As she walked ahead, I noticed another one of those innocent-looking old ladies coming straight at me on an intercept course on her bicycle as I was going down the snowy hill path. I stopped, looking around to see if I'm supposed to be walking along this path, or was it only meant for bikes. Where was the damn sign?

But it was too late. As I turned my head, I slipped and fell flat on my ass. I was in such severe pain, as I realized I might have torn a ligament in my ankle. As I was rocking back and forth on the ground screaming for dear God and holding my busted foot, the old lady rides off quickly on the bike without so much of a look back. So gangsta.

Meanwhile, Finnish girl is standing over me and just looking at me like an alien. She hasn't said a word or helped me up. Typical Finnish reaction. Even though she was the one who led me to this trap, and didn't bother to warn me about how fucking dangerous it was going to be. I sat there with this throbbing pain shooting all the way up from my foot to my ass while the snow on the ground is soaking through my underwear. Great.

We hobble back home. I meant I hobbled back home. Didn't go more than a few hundred yards on my second day in the country and already Finland tried to kill me. I wrenched off my shoe and unwrapped the wet sock from my foot, and watched as my ankle swelled up to the size of a fat Karelian pie. Looked like I had Frankenstein's clubbed foot. I poked it cautiously with a finger and I had to fight back the tears of pain while thinking of that Finnish word I learned. Vittu... !

So yeah, mad dangerous in Suomi land. Despite my pain and inability to walk without a crutch, Finnish girl and I go on a reindeer sleigh ride in Lapland. Again, dangers about.

While riding the sleigh, the next reindeer behind us, named "Kääpiö" comes charging up to the side of our sleigh and swings his head around. His antlers almost took out my eyes. I know I've been a bad boy this year, but Santa was already sending his assassins to take me out. We tell the Finnish guide that there's a crazy reindeer on the loose, but he just keeps walking like nothing. Was this a warning? Would there be a real gang of dwarfs hiding back at the hotel room later to put a pillow over my face when I turn off the lights? Better check under the bed....

So, moral of the story. Finland is not for the weak of heart. They say you need sisu and I know why. I got a fat ankle to prove it.