I come from the mean streets of New York City, but let me tell ya, Finland is the most dangerous place of them all.
The epicenter of danger is a small, unnamed town in Ostrobothnia. Don't let this small town of just a few thousand people fool you. Dangers lurk everywhere. I had foolishly let my guard down, calmed by the sight of all the quiet grandmas walking around the old town, or the schoolgirls riding bicycles on the sidewalks.
I was strolling with the Finnish girl to go to a supermarket. She had deceptively led me towards a dark tunnel underpass below the highway. As she walked ahead, I noticed another one of those innocent-looking old ladies coming straight at me on an intercept course on her bicycle as I was going down the snowy hill path. I stopped, looking around to see if I'm supposed to be walking along this path, or was it only meant for bikes. Where was the damn sign?
But it was too late. As I turned my head, I slipped and fell flat on my ass. I was in such severe pain, as I realized I might have torn a ligament in my ankle. As I was rocking back and forth on the ground screaming for dear God and holding my busted foot, the old lady rides off quickly on the bike without so much of a look back. So gangsta.
Meanwhile, Finnish girl is standing over me and just looking at me like an alien. She hasn't said a word or helped me up. Typical Finnish reaction. Even though she was the one who led me to this trap, and didn't bother to warn me about how fucking dangerous it was going to be. I sat there with this throbbing pain shooting all the way up from my foot to my ass while the snow on the ground is soaking through my underwear. Great.
We hobble back home. I meant I hobbled back home. Didn't go more than a few hundred yards on my second day in the country and already Finland tried to kill me. I wrenched off my shoe and unwrapped the wet sock from my foot, and watched as my ankle swelled up to the size of a fat Karelian pie. Looked like I had Frankenstein's clubbed foot. I poked it cautiously with a finger and I had to fight back the tears of pain while thinking of that Finnish word I learned. Vittu... !
So yeah, mad dangerous in Suomi land. Despite my pain and inability to walk without a crutch, Finnish girl and I go on a reindeer sleigh ride in Lapland. Again, dangers about.
While riding the sleigh, the next reindeer behind us, named "Kääpiö" comes charging up to the side of our sleigh and swings his head around. His antlers almost took out my eyes. I know I've been a bad boy this year, but Santa was already sending his assassins to take me out. We tell the Finnish guide that there's a crazy reindeer on the loose, but he just keeps walking like nothing. Was this a warning? Would there be a real gang of dwarfs hiding back at the hotel room later to put a pillow over my face when I turn off the lights? Better check under the bed....
So, moral of the story. Finland is not for the weak of heart. They say you need sisu and I know why. I got a fat ankle to prove it.
